Financial Transactions

I’ve been spending a lot of time at the bank lately in my dreams.  Which I totally know what that means. I’m trying to decide what to do with my many businesses and I’m considering working for a client which would necessitate me wrapping up some of my other engagements. I spend much time in line with my teller from US Bank (which is the actual bank where my business accounts are kept) and we are counting out money back and forth but only some of it is cash. I’m getting large bills $50s and $100s in actual dollar bills, but the small bills are symbols. Sticks of Wrigley’s gum are 10 and 12 cents and brown styrofoam shells that I hang from potted plants are worth 20 cents a piece.  It’s not really adding up and I’m not that concerned about it as it is clearly sufficient. But one of my clients is behind me in line and totally up in my grill. He’s not mad that it’s taking me so long, he’s just there and in my space. I’m feeling conscious of him and apologetic that the situation is what it is but I tell him good-naturedly that some of it is his fault. haha

Prior to this dream scene where I am trying to get help from my US teller and balance the books and payments as I exchange checks and cash and try to balance things out, I’m working at Zion’s Bank in Ogden where Jo Miller is the Branch Manager (this is the bank I worked at in College). I’m helping two ladies determine the worth of their souvenirs they’ve collected as a hobby. Their value to me seems to be based on how much light they can reflect. My analysis with them is preventing me from helping all the other people with “real” transactions in line. I worry that my transaction counts will show how slow I was in doing multiple transactions through the day as this one is taking up the greatest portion of my time. But I love it and am fascinated by what I’m learning. I know that this scene refers to my hobby of studying all spiritual subjects such as astrology, dreams, world religions, paranormal, manifesting, etc. I’m the teller assessing worth at my personal bank. These financial transactions are very telling.

What Might Have Been

Tonight for scriptures I shared one of the most famous lyrical lines of all time penned by John Greenleaf Whittier:

For of all sad words of tongue or pen

the saddest are these: “What might have been!”

We talked about the importance of living life in such a way that you can look back when you are old and grey and say I have lived and I have no regrets. Dr. Dyer says he has said things he wished he hadn’t said and done things he wished he hadn’t done, but because he learned from those mistakes he doesn’t consider those “regrets.” Instead, he feels that regrets for him don’t come from things he did, but from things he didn’t dare to do. He challenged each of us to follow our hearts and pursue our passions. Never let your FEARS determine your actions. And don’t worry about what other people think. Be free of the good opinion of others.

I then shared these equally famous–and well known–lines of poetry from Alfred Lord Tennyson:

Tis better to have loved and lost,

Than never to have loved at all.

This poem applies to so much more than just the game of love. I feel it is perfect advice for living life.

Tis better to have tried and fall, then never to have tried at all.

I reminded my children that there is no such thing as failure for to fail simply means First Attempt In Learning.

We agreed that it’s silly to allow fears or others to dictate the way we live our life. We shall never have it said of us “What might have been” for we will always be anxiously engaged, following our passions and pursuing our dreams.

Beyond Reproach

I awoke from my dream with the words “Beyond Reproach” ringing in my ears. My heart swelled with gratitude that I have lived my life is such a way that I have nothing to hide. The dream scene unfolded accordingly:

It was the day of my interview with the CEO of Neutraceuticals. The appointed hour for our meeting had not yet arrived so as we waited Matt pulled out some video footage he had found of the executive team asking around about Janelle Page and KickFire Marketing. The movie screen showed Dave and Chad asking Angie from the Chamber what she thought of me and she gave a glowing review. Next, they were asking Jim Smith and he was equally generous in his praise. I saw them checking my Facebook feed, social posts, and blogs, and I had nothing to fear for I have lived my life in such a way that I am fit to run any race.

The CEO entered the room and we apologized for overstepping our bounds. He simply said, “Don’t let this go to your head. Many a great man and woman has and it has caused them to stumble and miss the gaps.” I recognize the truth in maintaining humility and am grateful for the reminder. I thank them for their kind words and joke that, of course, they had good reports as they only asked people who liked me. I mention that they should talk to my former spouse lol.

It feels like I can have the job if I want it, and a subsequent dream confirms this thought as I’m at the bank cashing checks. My wallet is so fat with cash that I can’t even shut it. I decide that since I’m already at the bank I might as well trade in all these small $1, $2, $3 and $4 dollar bills for larger bills. I trade them in for 2, $100 dollar bills and I still have several smaller bills remaining. To me, this symbolizes the $250k base salary, plus other benefits, I’ve discussed with Dave to make my move to join their company possible.

What is equally fascinating is the fact that Dave told me President Seelos works for their company. He is my stake president, and I really like and admire him. I can’t help but think a company where he works would have an incredible culture. I also know that he would highly recommend me. Before coming to church today I had the premonition that he might be on the stand and he was. I was going to thank the speakers for their talks and he came down at the same time and casually asked me how my business is going?

I wondered if he knew that I was interviewing with his company? I didn’t want to come out and say it so I mentioned that my business partner had a brain tumor and I was actually talking with Dave Bunch from his company. He then responded, “Are the rumors true?” I replied, “It depends on what the rumors are?  🙂

We then began talking openly about the possibility of me joining their team. He assured me that it was a great company. He told me it was likely only a 3-5 year play as the company had recently been acquired by a VC firm that was looking to once again sell. I knew this from my telephone discussions with Alex so it was not a surprise and was one of the reasons I had pushed for a severance package or “golden parachute” clause. President iterated my deeply held beliefs that if we put our heads down and do great work we need not fear what the future brings. He shared some insights about the new CEO Chad Clawson and told me he was a great man–extremely capable and down to earth. I would be joining a solid team and company.

I am not sure if I will get the job offer, but it sure feels like the stars are aligning. I spent a good amount of time today in deep reflection. I love KickFire and my team. We have built something special. I would be lying if I didn’t say this new opportunity excites me beyond measure for I feel I have much to contribute and I feel it could lead to even greater opportunities. I also know, however, that if I stay with KickFire, we will continue to do great work, and I will continue to grow and develop my skills as I lead our team.

Either way, I am at peace as I’m detached from the outcome. Whatever happens will be right. I am, however, flattered I’ve attracted the attention from such a highly regarded company.  I’m also grateful that the Lord provided a little opportunity for me to experience a “mini” life review the other night in my dream. I cannot even begin to express the relief and appreciation I have that I have lived my life beyond reproach. I am not perfect, but I have a conscience void of offense toward God and man. That is a great, peaceful feeling. Amen.

p.s. tomorrow is the big day. 3:30 pm MST. I’ll be sure to post about it!

Inert Objects Don’t Progress

I love when I wake up from a dream cycle with a quote coursing through my mind. This morning I awoke as I was writing this thought down:

Inert objects don’t progress

I quickly looked up the definition to make sure I captured the full meaning of my dream quote and every definition resonated with events occurring in my life right now and in my dream last night:

1lacking the power to move
2very slow to move or act sluggish
3deficient in active properties; especially lacking a usual or anticipated chemical or biological action
There has been a lot of change the past few months in my business and personal life. Yesterday I was consulting with a large neutraceutical company and a full-time position, very attractive, was suggested. I can’t stop thinking about it and what it could mean.
Additionally, change is something I’ve come to expect and accept. Rather than fear it, I try to enjoy and embrace it for the opportunity it is. Like I penned the other day in my Observations post: the more scenes we get to observe the better, right?
In my dream, an office worker was upset over a job she had applied for that she was certain she would not get. I told her that if she didn’t get it something else would come along. I shared all the best of my Zen, Toltec, and Stoic wisdom:
When one door closes another one opens.
God will provide and the universe will supply.
Everything you need is already on its way.
Remember the power of intent. You can manifest your desires and all your wishes can be fulfilled.
I assured the woman that since she was honest, kind, and hardworking she would always find success–so chin up and keep doing your best! She smiled through her tears and thanked me for my words. Everyone in the office who heard my speech was equally inspired. I walked to the back room wherein sat Oprah Winfrey. I was moving around some of her O Magazines and I wondered if she heard my speech for she was smiling kindly upon me. I figured she would want to make me a regular on her talk show. Haha. . . seems my subconscious is keenly aware of who the Gods of this world are and why the “philosophies of men” were rining so powerfully true to my “worldly” co-workers. I must be “of this world” for I–like them–have found these “philosophies” mighty inspiring, impactful, and true. They’ve not only helped me in my personal life, but I’ve witnessed how my sharing of these truths with others has helped them too. This phenomenon was illustrated further in my subsequent dream scene:
I was in a car and an old gentleman was curled up in the back seat. It was apparent he was sad from the recent passing of his wife. His feet were wooden blocks which symbolize to me his inertia or inability to handle the change and move on. His wooden “soles” also symbolized the fact that his soul was deadwood. I began pouring a pitcher of water (symbolizing the “living water”) slowly onto the back seat of the floor of the car. Matt was watching me administer this healing balm, however, I felt that it wasn’t working as the man curled up tighter into a ball, retreating further in distraught.
Recognizing that my actions were not resonating, I set the pitcher aside and instead picked up some of the man’s personal belongings. One of which was his golf pants. They were nice slacks with tiny white polka dots. I folded them for him and complimented him on his nice pants. As I began to ask him all about his pants and his life, he came alive. He moved to the front seat and began telling me about his business and the hard decisions he was facing as he had to decide whether or not to close down one of his departments. I told him that whatever he decided to do he would be fine so long as he did it in love. The man, with my words of wisdom, was able to accept and embrace the change for the growth opportunity it was. He, like the office woman in my previous dream scene, simply needed perspective and help from someone with greater wisdom and vision.
These dreams from last night reminded me of the many changes that have occurred recently in my life, personally and professionally. Change is good for inert objects don’t progress. 
My key takeaways:
Choose that which is best for you. When you are doing what you love and were meant to do, you are able to bring the most good and love to others because  you are living inspired (aka in spirit).
Everything is always an upgrade if you let the change or challenge teach and change you (oooh this topic is worthy of a post or book in and of itself “Changing through the Change” or “Changing through the Challenge” or “Change through Challenge” “Challenged to Change”)
Inert objects don’t progress. 

Facing Fears and Flying High

I awoke this morning at 3 am and couldn’t immediately fall back to sleep. So I tossed and turned and eventually started meditating in an attempt to fall back to sleep. Soon enough I began having an out of body experience. It has happened several times before and always begins with the tingles that commence at the top of my spine and rapidly spread. As the tingle chills spread and increased in intensity I felt my body begin to lift up off the bed.

In the past, this sensation has caused me to panic as it feels like some spirit entity is sinking into your body, trying to take over your soul. I am always unable to speak and sometimes my tongue is literally bound, but I’m always able to command the spirits to depart in my head using my thought voice, but last night I was not afraid and instead of panicking when I could not speak, I started singing in my head, “I’m flying, I’m flying.”

By reframing my experience from one of some evil spirit trying to possess my body to simply a paranormal dream paralysis experience, I was able to turn what used to be a horrifying experience into a lucid dream thrill. I lifted up off my bed and started soaring around my bedroom. After making a few complete revolutions, I returned safely to my bed alongside Matt. I still felt like I was flying on my bed in my dream so I started trying to tell him “Look at me, I’m flying, I’m flying” hoping he would wake up and see that I was having such a cool dream.

Wake up he did (in my dream), and I too, woke up a level. He pulled me out of bed, removed my mouth guard so I could speak, and as we were sliding along the floor I noticed it was Mike, my former spouse, not Matt. Mike slid me into the bathroom where I had the distinct impression that he was luring me into a trap. I felt impressed to incapacitate him before he could tell the person hiding in the shower behind the curtain to kill me. So I shot him with my handgun (literally, I put my hands together in the shape of a gun like a little kid playing and while pointing my “hand guns” at him I said, “Bang, Bang!” He fell dead.

The shower curtain slowly began to open and my instinct said, “Run!” But I immediately reminded myself that I was dreaming and that I should instead face my fear and try to uncover what it was that was trying to harm me. So I stood my ground. The shower curtain revealed a woman with dark hair my age. I asked, “Who are you? And why are you trying to kill me?” She didn’t answer, she simply put her hands together in a gun and said, “Bang, Bang!” I immediately replied, “You can’t die in your dreams!” And then the realization that this was true and that I had faced my fears and overcome them caused me to start dancing around in the bathroom while singing, “You can’t die in your dreams!” The lady scuzzed me and shut the shower curtain.  I still don’t know who she was, but Mike stood up off the bathroom floor and made his way to the shower as if he were going to shower now too.

This dream is important to me because it symbolizes my newfound power. I am no longer afraid of my nightly encounters. My dreams have helped me overcome my fears of death–I had that powerful awareness come during a lucid dream in Lake Tahoe with the intruder at the foot of my bed, and now I feel that last night gave me the experience I needed to overcome my fear of the spirit(s) who have been visiting me at night. I realize now they cannot hurt me nor do they want to.

I can’t help but think of the FDR quote, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” I also was able to prove to myself once again that I’m not afraid to die. I can look fear and death in the eye and say, “Why are you here? Why are you trying to harm me?” Death turned away in this dream just as it will in life if it is not yet my time. I’m grateful for my experiences of last night where I was able to realize the power of Facing Fears and Flying High!

On Purpose

I’ve been pondering a lot lately my life’s purpose. Seems like I’m doing a lot of good things in my life, but I feel like I’m not yet doing what would be most personally fulfilling to me. Too much of my day is spent responding like a puppet on strings to everyone else’s desires and needs. If I knew just exactly what I’d rather be doing, I’d dump it all and get to it, but truth be told, I don’t really know exactly what I’d rather be doing. . . .

Scratch that! I do know what I’d rather be doing. I’d rather study all day. I’m such a nerd. I LOVE learning. I LOVED being in school. I have always wanted to get my Ph.D. I don’t really long for those letters anymore because I realize I much prefer to study a bunch of subjects rather than just one, but I do want to devote the majority of my day (at least my 40 hour work week–haha who am I kidding–I work 80 hours work weeks) to study.

I guess I haven’t yet done it because I worry about how studying all day will provide for my family. I know this fear about monetization need not exist because every time I learn something new I dream up some type of product. When I started studying cryptocurrency, I developed the ethereum token and I worked to create a new PVC Satoshi figurine. Next, I dove into dream psychology and my intense focus led to the creation of my dream journal and night writer pens. Currently, I’m enjoying astrology and have a natal chart in the works.

I can spend hours studying and not even notice the time.  Last Saturday, I spent 4 hours straight in my astrology book and only noticed the time when I finally had to use the restroom. It was a total time warp. I want to do that every day and not just every other weekend.

Second to learning is teaching. I get a thrill out of sharing my knowledge. I used to think teaching was so rewarding simply because it was my natural gift. I now know, however, that teaching is just an expression and extension of my learning obsession. For me, there is no better way to learn than to teach. It formally cements the concepts.

I would, however, be lying if I didn’t admit my proclivity for the limelight. I thoroughly enjoy an audience and I do get quite the thrill out of captivating the minds of my audience. I love philosophical conversations and leading deep discussions. I must have been born in a Lyceum in my past life. Athens had to have been my former home.

So what then is my plan? Well, tonight we listened to our Daily Stoic Meditations and it was about the importance of beginning with the end in mind. One must set a direction or else you won’t be able to move toward it nor measure your progress. So my intention or direction is to create my own university curriculum. I want to continue my emphasis in Spirituality, Zen Buddhism, Meditation, Neurology, Dream Psychology, Psychic Phenomenon, and Astrology. I’m going to refrain from listing more because I want to allow my path to unfold as I explore the realms I’m already enthralled with. All of these topics continually lead to others and I am open to going wherever I feel inspired to go.

My intention is to sell KickFire Classics and NutriScience Naturals. I would like to be free from both by January 2018. I would likewise enjoy freeing up my time from KFM. There are so many young ones looking to work for us. I think I will replace myself with one of them. I could maintain ownership and just do occasional consulting and presenting, but the reality is, if I spend my time learning in all these other areas, I will spend less time studying marketing –which means I will quickly fall behind. I won’t be as knowledgeable and effective as a marketing consultant which means I will no longer feel the best in my field–therefore, I would probably not feel comfortable charging $500-1,000 per hour for my time.

I will need to consider a bit more how I would like to proceed with KFM. Perhaps it won’t all feel so overwhelming once I remove some irons from the fire. Regardless, just writing this post on purpose made me feel on purpose. Good Night!

Log “egg” ins

Last night’s dream was rich with meaning. I’m only going to discuss the scenes from 6-7:30. I’m in a new apartment/house. I’m at the stove scrambling and frying eggs and saying I need Tyler’s logins, but it’s really log “egg” ins. I know immediately what this means even within my dream, but allow me to paint the rest of the scene before coming back to that.

I have long hair. In fact, I look just like my mom did when she first married my dad. I have a teenage son who wants to decorate the blank walls of our new house. He has found art relics that are timeless and classic and he’s hanging them. He’s actually pretty good at decorating and I don’t mind what he’s chosen. Some are not appropriate, but he decided not to hang those ones so I’m glad and proud. A few he didn’t center or hang with care, so I’m taking the time now to do so. I like the look of the new decorations. The pictures he decided not to hang were ones that referred to alcohol and other practices we morally didn’t agree with.

I’m busy and a bit stressed, packing up my stuff for my new job. It’s me, but it’s not me because it’s my mom and I’m also her kid. I want to help her because I see she’s so slammed so I ask, “Mom, is there anything I can help you with?” She says no. I feel this desire to connect with her and hope that maybe now that she’s also working like me we can have things in common. “Do you like your new job? and What do you eat for lunch?” I ask. She says she likes it and really likes the place she goes for her salads. I know she probably hates spending the money eating out, but I’m glad she has that to look forward to.

I tell her to have a good day and she heads out the door for her office. I’m left to get the children off to school and I’m helping as best I can because now it’s like I’m the kid mom version of myself. Gwen, Luke and Page are in the too small kitchen. I’m trying to get them their breakfast fed and pack their lunches. I’ve got the eggs on the stove, I’m starting a smoothie and I’m trying to find the cantaloupe for their fruit in the morning. The kitchen is so packed and so is the fridge. I’m reaching in and I see a little bowl of mac and cheese, a Tupperware of left over peaches, heck it looks just like my fridge right now! Completely full after my last trip to Sam’s Club. The kids are all just standing around as I do everything. I’ve got too many irons in the fire.

I’m washing my hands at the sink and thinking how I don’t have enough counter space, I have a huge roll of paper towels hanging for me to dry my hands off on (which is ironic because the past few days in real life we have all been wondering where all the paper towels are). In the midst of this morning chaos, the doorbell rings and it’s the tall neighbor and his daughter with their new great dane dog. I invite them in. Nate Page is playing the guitar on the couch with Luke and the guy tells him to play the Scooby Doobie Doo theme song. I make small talk and am grateful to send them on their way so I can get back to the kitchen and finish getting the kids off to school.

I tell my mom that I’m sorry about all the Progenex supplements that got shipped back from Amazon. They are for a client and I will have them come get them out of here. It’s totally like the blue comets we ordered back from Amazon.

Back in the kitchen, I’m SO hot and it’s easy to figure out why. I’m wearing my KickFire winter coat. I take off the first layer and then realize I’ve left on the shell. I take off the shell next and have a shirt Becky Clifford gave me. I take that off too till I’m just down to my Progenex tee. I still have the tags on it so I try to pull them off without ruining the shirt. Feels so much better now to not have so many cumbersome, hot layers on.

Gwen and Jane come into the kitchen to tell me that they can’t find Harper cuz she’s hiding from them. I have just seen her so I’m not worried. In fact, I want to tell them where she is, but Harper asked me not to so I don’t give away her location, but I do let Jane and Gwen know that she isn’t lost and I’ve seen her. They are relieved and we head off to school.

I am driving Page and Gwen in the GoKart through the Walmart parking lot to the school and I ask them if they grabbed their lunches. They both only have a sandwich and forgot to pack their chips and Capri Sun. I want to get bugged at them, but I can’t because I feel that it’s both of our faults as all my crazy business (whoa, I meant to type busyness) is what caused the disorganization this morning. No worries, I tell them and myself, I can simply go home and get your missing lunch items and bring it to you at school.

And I will end there for a moment to tell you what I think all of this means. For dream interpretation is sometimes super clear and easy. This dream scene is SO obvious to me. Makes me wonder how obvious it would also be to others who sort of know a bit of my current situation?

The log “egg” ins of Tyler’s tip me off that a lot of what is going on in the kitchen and why I’m feeling so “Fried” and “Scrambled” is because of the mess that’s been made with KFC and his disappearance. Ktichens in dreams are said to represent the creative aspects of our lives or our business/work because it’s the area where we cook up ideas and projects. It’s also to me one of the most important places in my house because a majority of my time is spent there cooking and cleaning and caring for my family. To have my kitchen feel too small and jam packed has a double meaning to me:

  1. I’ve got too many projects currently going–from my many business ventures to trying to get the kids ready and off to school. My fridge is jam packed–all with good things, but it makes it super difficult to find what I need.
  2. I need more space and time to pursue the projects I want to pursue. Right now I’m too busy doing everything everyone else wants me to do.

The fact that it’s too hot in the kitchen is cool because I start to strip off my layers which are represented perfectly by my KickFire Marketing coat. As I’ve mentally decided to sell off NSN and KFC which will help greatly simplify my life, I start to feel better in my kitchen.

My teenage son who is decorating our new space is the young rebellious part of me who never got to figure out who I am or what I believe. That is why he’s now taking the initiative to decorate the house with meaningful pictures. I’m careful in selecting the images that represent something meaningful to me and I want them hung right and centered. It’s clear these are my new beliefs.

Luke’s desire to connect with me is similar to my desire to connect with my own mom who must always have also been busy with her own projects, cares, and concerns. I never felt neglected so I hope Luke does not either, but somehow, subconsciously I must feel we are similarly related.

The tall man showing up at the door in the midst of my kitchen chaos with the Great Dane is definitely Dayne Jensen. He and his partner, Adam, are opening new maxillofacial offices here in the Wasatch Front and have asked me to prepare a marketing proposal. The front room where he enters is much more spacious than the crazy kitchen. In fact, the entry is lovely as it hasn’t had the mess created therein that feels like has been created by Tyler in my kitchen. Dayne is truly a “Great” man. I’ve been thoroughly impressed with him. It would be an honor to market for him. Him asking Nate Page (who must represent the road biking athlete, competitive part of me) to play the Scooby Doobie Doo theme song means to me that working with him is going to be fun and delightful. Completely different than working in the chaos of the kitchen.

All the PROGENEX references in my dream remind me that this whole scene has to do with work and that I do still love PROGENEX. Harper represents some of the annoying little things I’m the only one seeing right now surrounding the Seamons situation and my business. I’ve been asked not to tell and I oblige as what do I care as I’m certain others will also discover her soon enough.

Did I mention the song DJ was playing upon awakening was the Carpenter’s song “Sing of good things, not bad. Sing of happy, not sad. Just sing, sing a song.”

That is a great way to go through life. Focusing on the positive. I think it definitely has been my theme song throughout my life and esp. during this crazy, chaotic time. Looking forward to “unpacking” my kitchen and making more space to pursue my own creative projects. Oh and I love how the last dream scene was Luke standing behind me in the kitchen as I turn around from closing the fridge door and I see him. We are in my current kitchen and it’s all spacious, light, clean and spotless. I know it portends simpler times to come.

The Tunnel of Truth

I debated whether to title today’s post The Tunnel of Truth, The Cave of Enlightenment, or Was Eve Deceived?

You’ll shortly see why all these titles were worthy of consideration, but since truth is my aim–and I have an affinity for alliteration–The Tunnel of Truth won the day.

Last night, I told the Sunday School President that I could no longer teach the temple and family history class. He was shocked. I offered to tell the Bishop if that was the proper route. I gave no explanation other than I felt the attendees deserved someone who believed and was passionate about the topic.

I’m not going to tell the Bishop, as I’m confident he will come calling. Plus, I’m not ready to tell him how I feel. I want more time to explore my feelings before making an official declaration. The thought, however, of “coming out of the apostasy closet,” is a relief.  Personally, I prefer to call the process wherein you start to doubt your faith culture “enlightenment,” but then again, I just may be the one who is “under the influence of the adversary,” or the one who is “being deceived by the devil.”

No doubt these are the “last days,” wherein the “very elect shall be led astray.”  Look, I’m no stranger to scripture. I know the prophecies well–don’t think it hasn’t caused me serious contemplation and reservation. How to proceed has not been something I have considered lightly. Even now, I shudder to think, “what if I’m wrong?” BUT then I consider the consequences of being wrong, and the processes I have followed to ensure that I’m not, and I think of my loving Heavenly Father . . . . and since I know that He knows my heart and that He has promised to judge me by it, I am at peace.

A seeker, I am. To know the truth, I must. You see, I prefer to believe in a God who loves all of his children–a Father who does not favor a certain race or certain sex. I worship a God who doesn’t need me to worship Him in some specific, prescribed way. He wants me to worship Him my way. Can it truly be worship any other way? Now, that’s a post for another day. But for now, allow me to tell you my dream, for I went to bed with the request that my Father please teach me and let me not be led astray.

My Dream Scene:

I’m walking into a dark tunnel or cave with Jane. Of course, the character with me is Jane because she is the one who first started asking me hard questions. Questions about our church and our doctrine that I couldn’t adequately answer. “Mom, why do boys have all the power in our church?” “Mom, why can’t girl’s pass the sacrament?” Mom, why can’t girls have the priesthood?” “Mom, why can a man have more than one wife? “Mom, Mom, Mom?” These questions hit me hard! The only one I could relate to was the one about polygamy. Other than that, none of her questions was anything I had ever before considered. I figured if my 10-year-old daughter was this perplexed as to why God loved his little boys more than his little girls, I was going to get her some decent answers. And so I searched. And searched. And found nothing to satisfy the searching soul.

But in my seeking, I did find other tidbits of truth. I discovered Buddhism, The Tao, meditation, Zen Masters, Self-Compassion, Mythology, Joseph Campbell, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Adyashanti, Physics, Hinduism, Astrology, Numerology, Dreams, Spirits, Psychics, Mysticism, Stoicism and so much more. I found a world of truth beyond the small set of scriptures I’ve been diligently studying every single day for 30-60 minutes without fail. At first, I was mad that I had spent so many years reading the same passages out of the same books with such narrow-minded focus. I thought of all the years I had wasted not studying all these other incredible subjects. But I can never stay mad. It’s always such a fleeting feeling for I much prefer happiness. And so I’ve been voraciously reading and consuming ever since–everything I can get my hands on in an attempt to make up for lost time.

I’m learning so much and soaking in truth from every source. I am not yet ready to declare my beliefs–I actually feel that such declarations are unnecessary. My beliefs will hopefully always be changing (see my post on the fluidity of beliefs here), but I do know that right now I don’t believe our church to be the only true church. I actually don’t even believe in organized religion. I am not, however, against it.

I think it is just fine for the world to have different religions and institutions dedicated to helping others and providing a community for like-minded people to organize and serve one another. Organized religions are vehicles designed to help people return to God, but let’s not pretend that one type of vehicle is better than another, or that an individual needs to be in an organized religion in order to travel the road back to God. The direction is key, and all that really matters is love. If we love God and our fellow man we are good to go.

And so into the tunnel or cave Jane and I go. I say to Jane, “How far in you go is how far out you will have to come.” It’s an assurance from my Father in Heaven that even if this tunnel of truth or cave of enlightenment I am entering is wrong, the worst-case scenario is that I will simply have to turn around and come back out the way I came. With that being so, isn’t the exploration worth it? Into the tunnel would you not go?

I’m going! For I know exactly what He’s telling me and I love Him for it. It helps put my perplexing conundrum into perspective. Nothing is truly ever irreparable (see yesterday’s post here).

Inside the tunnel/cave, I come across a brown paper bag. Inside the bag is a crisp, red apple. As I pull it out, temple language and scripture course through my mind. “Thou must eat of the fruit of the tree,” “Thou shall have knowledge” “Thine eyes shall be opened and you shall be as the gods, knowing good and evil.” I know exactly what this means. Was Eve Deceived? or was she enlightened? Christian dogma on this particular point of doctrine has changed over time as women have gained more rights. What once was seen as a sin of Eve, is now heralded as an enlightened choice. What some may see as my choice to partake of the “forbidden fruit” as a sin, may shortly be heralded as a courageous choice to gain additional enlightenment. Breaking free from prescribed beliefs is a huge leap of faith. Some may already be crying “Blasphemy, Janelle, blasphemy! A gentle breeze inside the cave confirms to my heart, “the ignorance is theirs, not mine” for I feel that God is telling me in my dream that my choice to partake of the fruit is one of enlightenment (not deceit) and will lead me, like my mother Eve, to greater knowledge, truth, and sight.

Jane is now sitting on the floor by our front door trying on tennis shoes. They are too small. We will order another pair as we need to find a shoe that fits just right. One that’s not too tight.

Anyone familiar with the beginning of my dream will understand why the character here is once again Jane. And anyone familiar with dream interpretation knows the universal meaning of shoes, feet, and soles. Feet represent the direction we are moving in life, our ability to act, and move. Shoes have soles and are therefore symbolic representations of our souls. Trying on different shoes is definitely what I’m doing right now and the whole tunnel/cave,  apple, and the search for the right fit for my soul all make total sense. Especially as I consider the last thoughts that float across my mind as I awaken:

The end justifies the means

the line is played backward as well

the means justify the end

and everything has finally come full circle. If entering the tunnel of truth or cave of enlightenment is the wrong thing to do in my search for truth, I will find out rather quickly that there just ain’t nothing in there worth pursuing. At that time, I will simply need to turn around and come back out. And since truth is my ultimate “end” goal, and my heart is in the right place, then whatever “means” I end up employing to gain it will be well worth it. Would you not be willing to lose your soul in order to find it? Did not Jesus say, “He that loseth his life for my sake shall find it?”

In the end, truth is like Rome. . . all roads lead to it.

The end justifies the means and the means justifies the end.

Beautifully simple and simply Beautiful! Thank God for my dreams!

Near Death Experiences

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the instant transformations of Saul and Alma the Younger. I wonder if what they experienced were near-death experiences?

I want to consider the case of Alma the Younger. Remember how he is confronted by an angel as he goes about seeking to destroy the church of God. Well in Alma 36 you can read the entire account, but I find verses 12-17 very similar to many accounts I have been reading about the “life review” part of near-death experiences.  It seems that those who die experience this panoramic playback of their life wherein they see how all their actions, both good and bad, impacted others. The times they performed less than stellar sear their souls, whereas the times they behaved benevolently fills them with joy.

Listen to the words of Alma:

there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains.  . . . on the otherhand, there can be nothing so so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

He then proceeds to detail how he thought he saw God sitting on his throne surrounded by numberless concourses of angels. And his soul did long to be there.

Alma returns from his coma or near death like state a changed man.  He spends the rest of his life serving and loving others. As I wrote yesterday, one of the hallmarks of a near death experience is that the person experiences some sort of transformation for the better. They become more spiritually in tune. Their thoughts are elevated and they have a deep sense of purpose. They are less materialistic and more concerned with the good of all mankind.

It reminds me of A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. Scrooge has a mystical dream experience wherein he learns the errors of his ways. Angelic ministers teach him that “mankind is his business” and he awakes a changed man. His deep sleep results in a kinder, gentler, generous, magnanimous man.

As I wondered yesterday, must we wait to die to experience this transformation? Or can self-awareness kill the natural man a little more each day? I believe that as we review our lives daily we can kill that which is not worthy of living within us. We will become better each day until that perfect day when we have no more darkness in us. We will be beings of complete and total light. Hmm, which reminds me, tomorrow I want to write about the beauties of beholding the bad. 

Shadows and Light

I wrote yesterday about my dream and conversation with a friend and promised today to write more about my dream and what it means. Today’s post is entitled Shadows and Light because yesterday, when I awoke, the lingering words in my head were:

Remember to position things in the best possible light and to always look at things from every angle. Changing the light changes the shadows and creates a whole new picture.

After my dream scene where we were in a classroom trying to position objects in the best possible light so we could shade the shadows and such, my dream shifted to a new scene where my husband was wearing a trench coat. He opened up his trench coat to reveal myriad pockets sewn on the inside full of wares. He reminded me of some bootleg seller on the streets of NY.  I wrote theses words in my dream journal:

Things are not always as they appear. You have to open up and look inside–look at things in a different light.

My dream scene shifts again to me in my garage gym doing sit-ups. The following thoughts course through my mind:

Fast and efficient or slow and controlled?  Which is better?

I write that there is a time, reason, season and purpose for both approaches.

My next scene is my husband cutting his thumb with my big black buck knife. He’s checking his blood just like a diabetic would do. Then there is a lady pointing to her arm where you draw blood and she is telling me to get over there and get my blood drawn. I know what this means. My primary care doctor says my thyroid is off and I need to get my blood checked. I made an appt today to get a comprehensive blood exam with Dr. Knight. I was planning to have my cancer doctor do it when I go in for my check up next month, but the lady said to me, “You must arrange blood work months in advance. You can’t wait until the day of.” This makes me laugh because that was my plan. I was just going to show up and have Dr. Colona do it.

I want to remember the following ideas from last night’s dream:

Remember the different approaches to life–fast and efficient vs. slow and controlled–and when/how to use them.

Always cast things in the best possible light and remember the role of light in casting shadows. Perspective and angles change everything.

There was another dream scene that tied both of these together. We were at a political event. My uncle was up for re-election and his wife was casting the other candidates in not the best light. I really didn’t want to vote the way she was directing us, but since she was family and friend, I took one for the team and cast my vote accordingly. Which also made a lot of sense considering the dream scene before this one. I was in a baseball game and it was my turn to bat. My coach wanted me to bunt, but I knew I could get a good hit. I had done a great hit the last time I was up to bat. I decided I’d better listen to the coach and take one for the team.

I would love to walk away from KickFire sometimes now that Tyler is gone, but I know he needs me to hold it all together now more than ever. I have decided to take one for the team. I don’t really wanna. . . but I will hold down the fort and I will position the situation in the best possible light. 🙂