Facing Fears and Flying High

I awoke this morning at 3 am and couldn’t immediately fall back to sleep. So I tossed and turned and eventually started meditating in an attempt to fall back to sleep. Soon enough I began having an out of body experience. It has happened several times before and always begins with the tingles that commence at the top of my spine and rapidly spread. As the tingle chills spread and increased in intensity I felt my body begin to lift up off the bed.

In the past, this sensation has caused me to panic as it feels like some spirit entity is sinking into your body, trying to take over your soul. I am always unable to speak and sometimes my tongue is literally bound, but I’m always able to command the spirits to depart in my head using my thought voice, but last night I was not afraid and instead of panicking when I could not speak, I started singing in my head, “I’m flying, I’m flying.”

By reframing my experience from one of some evil spirit trying to possess my body to simply a paranormal dream paralysis experience, I was able to turn what used to be a horrifying experience into a lucid dream thrill. I lifted up off my bed and started soaring around my bedroom. After making a few complete revolutions, I returned safely to my bed alongside Matt. I still felt like I was flying on my bed in my dream so I started trying to tell him “Look at me, I’m flying, I’m flying” hoping he would wake up and see that I was having such a cool dream.

Wake up he did (in my dream), and I too, woke up a level. He pulled me out of bed, removed my mouth guard so I could speak, and as we were sliding along the floor I noticed it was Mike, my former spouse, not Matt. Mike slid me into the bathroom where I had the distinct impression that he was luring me into a trap. I felt impressed to incapacitate him before he could tell the person hiding in the shower behind the curtain to kill me. So I shot him with my handgun (literally, I put my hands together in the shape of a gun like a little kid playing and while pointing my “hand guns” at him I said, “Bang, Bang!” He fell dead.

The shower curtain slowly began to open and my instinct said, “Run!” But I immediately reminded myself that I was dreaming and that I should instead face my fear and try to uncover what it was that was trying to harm me. So I stood my ground. The shower curtain revealed a woman with dark hair my age. I asked, “Who are you? And why are you trying to kill me?” She didn’t answer, she simply put her hands together in a gun and said, “Bang, Bang!” I immediately replied, “You can’t die in your dreams!” And then the realization that this was true and that I had faced my fears and overcome them caused me to start dancing around in the bathroom while singing, “You can’t die in your dreams!” The lady scuzzed me and shut the shower curtain.  I still don’t know who she was, but Mike stood up off the bathroom floor and made his way to the shower as if he were going to shower now too.

This dream is important to me because it symbolizes my newfound power. I am no longer afraid of my nightly encounters. My dreams have helped me overcome my fears of death–I had that powerful awareness come during a lucid dream in Lake Tahoe with the intruder at the foot of my bed, and now I feel that last night gave me the experience I needed to overcome my fear of the spirit(s) who have been visiting me at night. I realize now they cannot hurt me nor do they want to.

I can’t help but think of the FDR quote, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” I also was able to prove to myself once again that I’m not afraid to die. I can look fear and death in the eye and say, “Why are you here? Why are you trying to harm me?” Death turned away in this dream just as it will in life if it is not yet my time. I’m grateful for my experiences of last night where I was able to realize the power of Facing Fears and Flying High!

Wanting More

Wanting More is a topic near and dear to my heart right now. Here’s why:

Dr. Dyer was discussing the merits of wanting for others more of what you want for yourself. At the time I heard it I was trying to think of ways to help Tyler and his family stay afloat while also keeping KickFire afloat. I was feeling a little concerned about how to manage both–and do right by all– when Wayne imparted what I’m now calling, the wisdom of wanting more.

It was comforting to know that in my moment of crisis I wasn’t only looking out for my backside. I was pleased that I truly had an innate desire to make sure everyone was provided for and okay. But in my heart of heart, I couldn’t yet claim that I was the type of person who was wanting more for others that which I wanted for myself. I was just wanting everything to be okay.

In fact, I had moments where all I wanted to do was walk–no, run–away. It would be so easy for me to close up shop and have all of this no longer be my problem. But thankfully, the Good Lord, God, Universe, Spirit, or [insert your spiritual superpower semantics here], helped keep me feeling invested. He still helps me daily carry the burden. Had I to shoulder this burden alone, crushed I’d be already. God, friends, family, my entire KickFire Crew, and most importantly my faith, continues to pull me through–they always do.

And so this idea that I can want for others that which I want for myself–wanting it even more for them than I want it for me–meaning I don’t just want Rebecca and her family to also be provided for, but that I want them to be provided for as much as I want it for myself and then I add a dash, or a lump, or a full-fledge cup of even more wanting for them.

Yes, I also have a need for security, but I want it as much and now a little–no a lot–more for her than I want it even more for me. . . now that there is something. Something I want to strive for because it really wasn’t something I had even before considered.  When I heard Dr. Dyer speak about what I’m now calling the wisdom of wanting more, it hit me dead center. I knew it was true and what I wanted, not only for Rebecca’s security but for also for who I wanted to be. I, Janelle Page, want to be that type of person who wants more for others that of which I want for myself.

I’ve before heard the saying, “want more for others than you want for yourself,” and it isn’t nearly as powerful as wanting for others that which you want for yourself–to such a degree that you want to see them get what you want for yourself as much, and even more, than you want it for you.

It’s definitely the higher law and a beautiful companion to Jesus’ teaching:

Do unto others as you would have done unto you

The universe smiles upon those who want for others as much as and more so as they want for themselves. I always loved Zig Ziglar’s saying:

You can have anything in the world you want if you just help enough other people get what they want.

Perhaps we can apply the wisdom of wanting more principle to Zig’s teaching too and say:

You can have anything in the world you want if you first help enough other people get what you want.

Birds of Prey

Yesterday and today I had a cool experience with birds of prey. I was on my Sunday stroll and saw a deer. Deer are a sign between God and me–literally. One day when I was hiking up in Nordic Valley, I asked God to send me our traditional deer sign. You see whenever I’m hiking, or out and about meditating, God lets me know he’s near using deer, monarch butterflies, and yellow-breasted finches. It’s something I’ve come to count on. So this day in Nordic Valley I was nearing the conclusion of my hike and hadn’t yet seen any deer. So I mentioned the fact to Heavenly Father and asked him for a sign that he was near. I continued along my path only to look up and see this sign:

God’s cleverness made me laugh–the sign of the deer! I smiled at the Heavens as I loudly proclaimed: “Touché.” I kept right on running and that’s when something even more remarkable happened. I looked up and but 10 yards in front of me a beautiful doe and her fawn bounded across the street. I stopped and watched in total awe. How does one even begin to convey the wonder and goodness of God?

So yesterday as I was walking, deep in thought, you can imagine my delight as a deer caught my sight. It was in a pasture on the polygamist plantation. I wasn’t looking for it nor expecting it, God was simply letting me know that he was here and near.

I immediately tuned into my surroundings and discovered among the many chirping birds, the cry of a hawk. I tried to discover its location and couldn’t till it cried aloud again. It was sitting atop a nearby tree.  I closed my eyes and tried to get the spirit to make it fly. I knew spirit could do it as they often use animals to communicate with us. But try as I might, I couldn’t get spirit to make the bird fly. So I concentrated my mental powers further, meditating more intently. And that’s when spirit taught me that animals cannot be coerced. They are simply mediums and they must be willing participants. Most of the time, they will go and do, happily, but since spirit wasn’t the bird and simply was asking the bird to fly and then the bird gets to decide. . . this particular bird wasn’t willing. In fact, spirit let me know that birds of prey can be a little more difficult to work with than other birds. I found that fascinating and it did make perfect sense to me. I felt as if Spirit said to me, “walk on and hold on.” My feeling was confirmed as I opened my eyes and saw this sign:

It made me smile and it convinced me to once again start walking. And that’s when it happened. . . after I had moved along about 20 yards I saw a huge hawk fly overhead. The sighting sent chills up and down my spine and caused my bones to quake like Aspen trees–all feelings that have special meaning for it’s one of the ways spirit lets me know its near and guiding me.

And so that’s my little Sunday story about spirit and birds of prey, but oh, lest I forget, this morning as I was working out, we saw a huge bird atop a light pole. We ran over to get a closer look and there sat a turkey vulture. I took it as another sign from spirit. Birds of prey were everywhere yesterday and today!

Future Value

I just spent the evening watching a webinar by BCMS about selling your business. I learned much about business valuations that also applies perfectly to life.

Did you know that the biggest mistake business owners can make when selling their business is to attach a value or asking price to their business based on past performance? The gentleman presenting the information incessantly proclaimed that buyers purchase businesses for a variety of reasons and it is rarely for the reason the seller assumes. Additionally, buyers make purchase decisions based on the future value of a company, not on past performance or current circumstances. Therefore, your business’s potential is what they are buying.

My main take away from the seminar was you will sell yourself short every time if you try to value your business. Sellers should let those who are in the business of buying businesses pay for their future potential.

How, you may ask, does this future value principle apply to life? I think the answer is fairly obvious, but in case you can’t yet see the writing on the wall, allow me to make it explicit:

You are not your past. Your value is neither determined by your past nor even your present. Your value is best determined by someone infinitely more wiser than you, one who knows your ultimate potential. Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God precisely because he alone knows your future value.

You will sell yourself short every time if you try to value your business. Let those who are in the business of buying businesses pay for your potential. 

On Its Way

So this happened today:

And it was a powerful reminder that everything we need in life is already on its way. I love Dr. Wayne Dyer, particularly his teachings concerning the Divine Art of Manifestation. It was he who helped influence my belief that not only do we have the power to manifest whatever it is that we want and need in our lives through the power of our thoughts, beliefs, and faith, but that God is also always aware of our needs and already sending that which we need.

I love believing that whatever I need is already on its way. It’s such a powerful, positive way to live.

In fact, I find myself saying multiple times per day (especially during times of considerable stress):

 Everything I need is already on its way. 

I also like this version:

The Universe will provide, 

or

God will supply.

And it works. Cammie’s wedding last night reminded me that God had Scott in the works long before Scott manifested himself to Cammie. And Scott arrived when Cammie was ready to receive him. And it ended up being the most perfect, wonderful time in Cammie’s life–a tumultuous time when she needed someone strong to stand by her side through her diagnosis and continuing struggle with RA.

Likewise, I’ve recently thought a lot about the impeccable timing of my husband.  I wasn’t even looking for a partner when he appeared. And now, during this tumultuous time when I’m facing the loss of T, I’m able to do so stoically because I have him by my side.

In fact, I shudder to think of how hard it would be to lose T if I did not have him by my side. I feel that God sent him to me to help ease the transition. And while others may weep and wonder why Tyler is being called home–my heart knows that while yes it will be so sad to see Tyler go, God has what Rebecca and her children need already on its way.

God cares for us His children wonderfully. Yes, He allows us to hurt and stretch, and struggle and grow. It’s a part of the plan. No, it’s the process whereby we become bigger, better, stronger for I used to think that we are here to learn how to be Gods who will one-day rule worlds of our own, but the more I ponder about God, the less I think about Him ruling. It seems apparent to me that He cares less about governing than He cares about loving. His purpose to me seems to be guiding. And maybe He, like me, is not very much more above me than I am above my own children. What I mean by that is that I am no greater a being than my children–basically, I was simply born before them just as maybe God was born before me.

He then is infinitely wiser than me simply because He came before me and has far more experience than me. Generously and graciously He uses that additional light, wisdom, experience and knowledge to guides us, enlighten us, and inspire us just as I strive to do with my children–and all others I encounter along the way. For we are all walking our own pace, on our own path, and are we not all here to lift, lead and love one another along the way? It definitely behooves us to share with others all that we have learned and are learning, especially when we have been down the path a little further and know something more of what is to come.

Ultimately, we are all equal in creation and capabilities for we are all divine beings. We are all gods in training gaining additional experience. And experience is the gateway to wisdom. It is this realization that has me hoping eternity consists of an infinity of lifetimes wherein each life cycle allows me to gather additional light, experience, knowledge, and wisdom. For truly it is the cycle of life that births wisdom. And Oooh how I like how that sounds. . . indeed I like it so much that I think I see a future post on its way entitled:  The Birth of Wisdom.

Perspective

I know I’ve written on perspective before, but I want to write upon the topic again. I came across this quote today and I LOVE it:

when we change the way we look at things, the way things look change.

I like to look for the good in every situation. It’s more fun and rewarding than beholding the bad (not to be confused with the beauty of beholding the bad as discussed here). I believe that humans are innately good. I believe that God is good. I believe that all things work together for our eventual good. I choose to see the good and when I forget and look amiss, the bad downright depresses me and things start to look dark, dismal and depressing. Till I remember to flip the switch. Nothing is either all good or all bad. That is why perspective is so important. We get to choose how we see the world. If you don’t like what you are seeing, change the way you are looking at the situation. Trying times shape our souls. Rather than wish away our trials and adversities, we should embrace their valuable lessons.

I am learning so much right now. I’ve learned that I can run a business without my right-hand man. I’m learning that I don’t hate numbers and spreadsheets as much as I thought I did. I’m learning I hate HR, but I can do it anyway. I’m learning that I need to just turn the computer off and be done for the day for the workload never goes away. I’m learning that none of this really even matters anyway. And I’m learning what I’ve always known, that God is ultimately at the helm and will continue to supply my every need.  I see Him moving in His majesty daily. I love that I can place my trust in Him, and I love that He trusts me. I’m grateful for the way I have learned to look at things. I’m grateful for divine and eternal perspective.

Cold Hard Facts

Well, today just ain’t been pretty! I’ve been digging through my partner’s inbox trying to get up to speed on the half of the business he oversees and my head is a hurtin’ and my tummy is a turnin’ at what I’m a finding. We’ve got ourselves a toy business that barely turns a profit. In fact, once I figure in all the expenses, it’s a major loser. It has been sucking the profits out of my marketing company and that just isn’t cool, but them are the cold, hard facts I’m a facing.

The good news is that we have a ton of inventory. I’m hopeful that we can sell it all over the next few months–esp. during Christmas. The bad news is, Christmas is still 5 months away and the storage fees for our goods are NOT cheap. When I think about what this all means it makes me want to cry. But I’m not gonna cry because I trust that the universe already has what we need in store and in fact, that it is already on its way. God is good like that. Plus, we do great work, and we have created some most excellent products. We’ll have a lovely Christmas, and then I will decide whether or not to keep the toy business. I can sell it, or heck, with the way I’m feeling today, I may just simply give it away! haha

The cold, hard facts are never fun to face, but tackling them head on feels quite empowering.  I’ve been so slammed consulting and selling that I left this part of the business to others. Not a wise move Mrs. CEO. So, lesson learned, and now it’s time to get this train back on track.

It will be a good challenge for me to try to come out ahead of the game because right now we are super cash poor and inventory rich. I’m not okay with that. Like it makes me super sick. Alas, I’m not going to worry about it yet. Instead, I’m off to dream about a more profitable future because the cold, hard facts are: It can only go up from here!

Happy Endings

Check out this quote about happy endings by famous author and actor Orson Welles:

If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.

Isn’t that so true? It reminds me of the Buddhist doctrine of impermanence which states: “change or impermanence is the essential characteristic of all phenomenal existence.” The late Buddhist Monk, Bhikkhu Ñanamoli, said it even simpler:

Whatever IS will be WAS.

Essentially,

This too shall pass.

Life is a rollercoaster. We have ups and downs, twists and turns. If the ride suddenly stopped in the middle of a loop leaving you suspended upside down, you’d most likely scream in terror. If, however, the sudden stop left you in the bottom of a trough, you’d probably feel pretty safe and serene.

When we realize that nothing in life is permanent and that “this too shall pass,” we can face our challenges with optimism knowing that better days are ahead. Likewise, when all is well, we can prepare for hard times knowing that they too surely will come.

And while I like and understand what Mr. Welles is saying, what if we could somehow control where our story ends, thereby ensuring a happy ending?

Perhaps, however, that’s not the right line of thinking. In fact, the more I ponder, the more I realize that ensuring happy endings isn’t so much about where you Stop Your Story, but how you Enjoy Your Journey.

Buckling in and being fully present as you catapult through the many loops and swirls–screaming, laughing, crying, and feeling the thrill, chills and “holy shitness” of it all–EYES FREAKING WIDE OPEN–Now what if this is what happy endings are all about?

I’m going to trust the stopping of the story to the Roller Coaster Operator while I focus on fully enjoying the ride.

Bring Your Shoes to the Rendezvous

I opened my duffle bag to reveal my brown Chaco flip flops. And then I woke up from my dream with these words echoing through my mind, “I don’t care what path you choose, just bring your shoes to the rendezvous.” 

It was so profound. I knew I had to write it down.

So I grabbed my dream journal that I always keep right by my bed and quickly scribbled it for safe keeping for I knew that shoes–in dream interpretation– typically represent our soul. And I knew this dream was an answer from my Father concerning some very specific questions. I could hardly wait to drift back off to sleep to see if God wanted to reveal more.

He did. I dreamt I was holding onto a rope that was tied to a hot air balloon. I was trying to keep the huge hot air balloon from floating away. It was exhausting. I was digging my heels into the sand and holding with all my might. My forearms were burning and I remember thinking, “Why am I even trying to hold this hot air balloon down?” I woke up with the song from Frozen coursing through my mind, “Let it Go, Let it Go. . . “

The message from both dreams was not lost on me. I knew exactly what meaning they held for me. In fact, I dreamt these corresponding dreams the early morning hours of the day I planned to hike high into the mountains to be with God and seek further understanding. I wrote about that experience yesterday in my Sacred Spot post you can read here.

Just as I wrote in that previous post, I woke up early and went on my Kingsbury Loop hike high in the Sierra Nevadas. I discovered my Sacred Spot and my dreams made even more sense after that experience. I know what God meant when he said, “It doesn’t matter which path you choose just bring your shoes to the rendezvous.” My shoes were my flip-flops which we are told we “shouldn’t wear to our sacrament meetings.” My Chaco Flip-flops are my favorite shoes and ones I have been wearing for over ten years. They are incredible shoes. I also thought of my hot air balloon and I understood that it was okay and time to let go of my old beliefs that were exhausting to hold on to. I understood everything with perfect clarity and many other dreams I have dreamed lately came perfectly together for me too.

Later that day, as I lay reading a book on a picnic table at the Lake—warm sun on my skin, reading a great book, guy playing James Taylor, and the children enjoying the cool water—I was overcome with joy. I had just read a passage in my book about how we are all Divine and that God will lead us to truth and we must be willing to walk the path we feel Him directing us down. I felt that it was a second affirmation of what He confirmed to me in my sacred spot high in the Sierra Nevadas. It was another tender mercy and I felt that everything was as it should be (another line that comes directly from one of my recurring dreams about truth).

When we returned to the condo, I took a nap. I drifted off to sleep and I dreamt  I was back on my hike conversing with God. He again confirmed, “Everything is as it should be.” I knew what that meant instantly, and I was then reminded that, “The answers lie within,”and, “To follow my heart.”

It was a tender mercy further witnessing to me that the feelings and impressions from my hike were true and of Divine origin, and that my growing desire to seek out others who share my similar beliefs was A-okay. I want to find more people who believe what I believe. In fact, here is what I wrote about my realizations I had while reading on a picnic table at Lake Tahoe.

Afternoon Lake Reflections

Since my awareness is growing stronger each day and my convictions are firmer and firmer in my newfound beliefs, I am feeling a great desire to unite myself with others that share my beliefs. I want to study what they study. Worship how they worship. Donate my tithes and offerings to support causes I feel will lift and bless others. I do love the Mormon people as much as I love any other group of wonderful people. They are good people. I am happy to have my children grow up in their faith and I will worship with them when I want, but I’d really like to explore a bit and see what others have to offer.

I may wait to pursue this till my children are all grown as I do enjoy being with my family on Sunday, but I don’t believe I will be able to hold callings for much longer as I don’t support all of the doctrine. I don’t believe ordinances are necessary for salvation. I don’t believe we need to do temple work. I don’t believe we need to try to convert others to our faith. I do believe we must love others. I do believe we must serve others. I do believe we must share our abundance with others. In short, I believe we must be like God. Again, I have no desire to make anyone pursue my spiritual path as I feel strongly that everyone must walk their own. I just want more time and freedom to pursue my Divine path.

I have been learning and growing so much since I commenced my truth quest. The universe has continued to supply me with knowledge just as fast as I have been ready to receive. Watching the Divine Unfolding has been 100% awe inspiring and rewarding.  The perfect sequencing or “synchronicity” is AMAZING! (I promise to write more about synchronicity later). For now, it’s time to wrap up this post. I’ve got an appointment with God. A divine rendezvous. He wants me to bring my whole soul and let go of my old beliefs that no longer serve me, or perhaps what the balloon really represented was me trying to hold my new beliefs down so as to not cause family rifts and displeasure from others, but He wants me to jump into the balloon and ride high in the skies and enjoy the astonishing views. Holy cow, how did I not see that interpretation before?!

So excuse me, I’ve got to grab my chacos. I’ve got an important appointment to keep and I’ve got to remember to bring my shoes to the rendezvous!

Demons and the Sea

Here’s a fun thought I learned from Adyashanti. He seems to have gotten his timeline out of sorts, but perhaps he was pulling from the Gospel of Thomas–which I’m so looking forward to reading.

Adyashanti seems to think Jesus calmed the tempestuous sea after he cast out Legion’s demons.  If you remember from the biblical account, Jesus cast out several devils from this wild, afflicted man and they begged to be allowed to enter the herd of swine. Jesus permitted them and the swine then ran headlong off a cliff into the sea. Later, when Jesus and his disciples were crossing back over the Sea of Galilee, a great tempest arose.

Jesus was sleeping in the hull of the ship and the disciples awoke him for they feared for their lives, “Master, carest thou not that we perish, how canst thou lie asleep.” Jesus stood up and commanded the sea, “Peace be still!” The storm abated and there was a great calm. Jesus then rebuked his disciples for lacking faith.

Ayashanti makes the point that no wonder the sea became boisterous–it had 2,000 drowned demons in it!

In the Gospel accounts of Matthew, Mark and Luke, the storytellers have the calming of the sea occur before Jesus cast the many devils out of Legion so not sure if Adyashanti’s theory holds water, but even if it is out of order, I do love the idea that the reason the sea had become boisterous was because it had just had 2,000 evil spirits plunged headlong into it. I mean if they were causing so much affliction in Legion, would they not equally afflict the sea?

Whether Adyashanti’s timeline is correct or not, the most important point still stands. . . Jesus can calm anything–troubled hearts and tempestuous seas. We can confidently cast our cares upon him for He truly is the Prince of Peace.